boyfriend

This post is for my boyfriend. Yes, I have a boyfriend haha.

The time I started my blog was right after my break up with my ex. It wasn’t that I was depressed about the fail relationship, it was more of a realization that during the time we were dating, I hadn’t really paid attention to my friends and myself. I isolated myself so that it was only my relationship that came first and that once it was over there were many things that I felt like expressing that accumulated of the year and a half we were together. I slowly had changed to fit his expectations which soon spread to me changing to fit everyone’s expectations.

I don’t lie, I just can’t control the urge to make people happy even if I don’t believe in what I’m saying. I haven’t done that with you and when I catch myself starting to, I stop. This is why I say stupid things that make it sound like I don’t love you. I’m worried that its like I’m just talking to please you rather than saying what I really feel. That’s why I think a lot. I think about what I’m saying to prevent getting stuck like I did before

As much as I want to just go with it, my mind wont let me because it ended horribly for me before.

You’re probably thinking our whole relationship is a lie and that i don’t really love you. 

You’re wrong.

When I say “I love you”, I mean it. I know I do because it’s the one thing I don’t have to think about. It just comes to me. Embarrassing as this is, after out first date I had the urge to say I love you even though we barely knew each other. I want to have a relationship where I can say anything to you without feeling insecure and I think I can have that, which is something that I was never able to have in any of my other relationships. I feel comfortable with you, time goes by so fast even when were just sitting in your truck talking about hot lava or finding jobs. You compliment me lots which really makes me happy. You’re polite, honest, caring, and most importantly, I feel like you put effort into making our relationship work.

I know I don’t say it enough, but you do much more than keep me occupied and drive me places. 

is it weird?

Is it weird that I don’t like people that I’m close to reading my blog? Most people would say no but when you really think about it, it shouldn’t be that way. You would think that because I’m so close to those people, it would be easier to have them read about my more personal thoughts, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. 

I have trust issues. Everyone has them, but mine are full on, all the time, trust issues. Originally I thought it was just me being overly insecure, but i realized at home, I’m now overall happy with myself. It’s when I’m around other people, especially people that I’m friends with, that i get all nervous. I have doubts about all my friends, it’s sad but true. I think that all my friends secretly hate me…. i know some of them do. 

I need to acknowledge the fact that not everyone will like me, but not ALL of my friends are evil. It’s easier said than done, but it definitely can be done. 

I Don’t Know Who I Am

Lately many people have been asking me little questions that for a majority of people, would not be hard to answer like, “What are you thinking about?” or “Do you like to write? What do you write about?” Just small, random, insignificant questions that leave me absolutely clueless. 

I guess its because i do everything in a daze that makes it hard for me to comprehend what I’m actually doing. I don’t think about what I’m doing, I just do it. When i space out, I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I don’t write about specific plots or elaborate worlds that I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about, I just write. 

I have two theories. One is that I know myself so well that i don’t take the time to process my actions and thoughts, its just second nature to me. My second theory is that I dont know myself at all. 

I sure hope its the first one. 

nooooo

WHY DID GRACE DIE?! 

now im depressed. gonna miss her. she was the main reason i really liked this group of characters. the rest of the season wont be the same without her. 

poor rich :( 

I am not a “hot” girl.

I will probably never turn you on, or take your breath away, or impress your friends with the way I look… but I can make you laugh and make you feel wanted, and sometimes I can be really fucking cute. I really wish that could be enough, just once.

joejonascrotchshot:

jocelynhere:

mayumi-:

kianacarter

sick and tired

literally. i have been sick for three days now and im so tired of it. i bet the moment i walk through the school doors tomorrow everyones gonna be all pissed at me for skipping two days of school -_- but, on the bright side, it gives me all the time in the world to write on tumblr so thats what im doing :) especially since someone *cough* justin *cough* :P has been bugging me to write more. 

i want to say that i have an interesting and thought provoking topic to write about but… nope. nothing interesting or thought provoking has happened to me. however, one thing that has greatly effected my life is megavideo being shut down GAHHHHHHH im mad. skins uk season 6 is out and i cant even watch it cuz all the other sights have crap quality or take ages to load. i really wanna see rich and gracie be all in love but i cant when it keeps pausing every five seconds (refer to page one of my blog to rich and gracie ^^) 

why dont we have E4 in america? :(

something that irritates me

I AM HEALTHY. i am a healthy and happy girl. i eat 3 meals a day with a snack or two thrown in between i work/dance/go to the gym after school. the food that i put into my system is healthy. lean meets, omega 3’s fruits and veggies, all that goodness. 

yet 

people take one look at me and say ” oh my god, you are sooooooo thin, you need to eat more!” or “are you anorexic? eat a sandwich” or “your so light!! under 100 pounds? thats crazy!”

let me break this down for you. Im 5’1. YES 5’1 5’1 5’1 and every single person who says this to me is 5’5 or taller…. OF COURSE YOU WEIGH MORE, YOU’RE FREAKING TALL! you try being this height and being the same weight as you are now. itd be a whole lot different. i have a high metabolism, meaning i eat, and i dont gain weight. thats just how i am and it wont change. and finally, you are lucky, that you are choosing to make these comments to me cuz im a pretty strong girl. say this to any other girls face, just watch she’ll be binge eating burgers to try and gain weight  to satisfy your mental image of what someone should look like.  

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